Breaking The Cycle

Being single isn't easy and the older I get the more I realize how hard it is. For most people, it is the best time of their life. For me, it is the hardest. I have never been the girl who was validated by how many guys I could talk to  or how much attention I got. What I looked for was "the one," which meant I just wanted that one person I could do everything with. Talk to, spend time with, confide in and ultimately be with, that not only was the wrong approach but caused more heartache than anything else.

In my search for "the one" every situation started the same. I met someone, I was attracted to that person, we hung out a couple of times, talked a lot and then I let my guard down. I started fantasizing about us being together and how wonderful our lives could be and how happy we were going to be and once I started doing that I stopped focusing on what was really at hand and all the signs he was giving me. He wasn't looking for anything, he sure wasn't looking for a relationship. He didn't want to be with me, he liked spending time with me but that was pretty much it. As I was looking for ways to make him happy, he was looking for ways to fit me in his schedule so I wouldn't complain about not seeing him. As I was planning holidays together, he already had plans that didn't include me. As I was sitting in the house waiting for his call, he was out meeting new girls to call. And as I was passing up advances from others because I was "talking" to someone, he was going out on dates. It always ended the same, he finally noticed I wanted more, I was fed up and we stopped talking. As he moved on, I was left feeling like I gave too much too soon and because of it, I was heartbroken.

So 2011 started the same way and as I reflected on my newly ended situation, I could not figure out what had gone wrong. I thought I had done everything right. As time went on and the clouds of my disintegrating "relationship" cleared and my heart had healed enough for me to think and reflect clearly, I still couldn't figure it out. In order to stop thinking about what I had done wrong, I tried to date. As I met people, I kept them at a distance. My guard was let down enough to get to know them and enough for them to scratch the surface of my being but nothing intimate and nothing too isolated. If I wasn't interested anymore, I just moved on. It seemed so simple, so easy. Even if I had spent a good amount of time with them, I still found that it was a lot easier to just walk away or stop talking to them. No attachments were formed, no emotional connection was made. Again, I sat back and reflected on what had changed and it hit me.... It was like a light bulb had gone off in my head, I wasn't having sex!

I have never been able to have sex and separate my emotions from that person or the situation. Once I have given a piece of me, I was hooked and the more we engaged, the deeper I fell for that person. It blinded me to what was really going on or what he was really saying. Now that I am not engaging in any intimate encounters, everything is so much clearer and uncomplicated. So, I challenged myself. If I could get this far, why not go the rest of the year? It made perfect sense, I can successfully date with no complications, misunderstandings, disappointments or heartbreaks and in the process weed out the ones who were just interested in me and possibly a serious relationship from the ones who were just interested in adding another notch to their belt.

In 2011, I am breaking the cycle. I am done giving myself to these boys who aren't even worth my time. They were getting my attention, my mind, my affection, my love and my body and for what? In the hopes of maybe being together? Now, I am not going around giving my love to everyone but the ones that I have, have not deserved it and were not even ready for what I was ready to give. They got a piece of me that they should have earned and worked for. I worth so much more and I am done selling myself short. I am breaking the cycle and it feels good. I am happy, I have peace of mind and I am looking forward to what other revelations 2011 will bring me.

Til the next time,

Peaches Jones

And My Heart Holds On....

As the days go on, the more and more I think of him. The more and more my attachment forms to him. We don't talk much and we very rarely see each other but for some reason, my heart holds on.
I think about the times we had, the good and bad. As I think of the good, I know that what we had was something special but when I think of the bad, it is all more reason we shouldn't be together. As the thoughts continue, my heart holds on.
Every interaction with him is intense, the conversations are deep and the sex, makes me feel like the world stops and there is only him and I. Every time we touch, every time we kiss, everything down to the beads of sweat, touch my soul and the more my heart holds on.
Why? I ask myself. I don't know how many times I have blocked his number, ignored his text messages, avoided him when I saw him out and some how way or another, he continues to get back in to my life. I know we shouldn't be together, I know now isn't the time and most likely never will be the time but for some unexplained reason, he is who I want. I can't shake it, I can't explain it and the more I try to understand it, it just drives my heart to hold on to my thoughts of him and what we could be.

The key phrase, "I know now isn't the time," has made the situation easier. My mind, my heart and my body are calm and have become still waters because knowing and realizing that something isn't meant to be, whether at all or at that moment helps me deal with the present situation. It doesn't take away the desire that I have and unfortunately doesn't help me with any relationships I try to form, but gives me mental and emotional stability. As the time goes on, the more I realize that my time isn't now. I have to work on moving on but I am not in control of what my heart wants and I am not in control of who my heart loves. What I am in control of is what my mind knows.... As my mind lets go, my heart continues to hold on....

Til the next time,

Peaches Jones

Why Does SHE Matter?

I wake up in the morning and look at myself in the mirror and what do I see looking back at me? A "cute" girl. I am 26 and I still see myself as the 16 year girl I was in high school, just without the braces. Mentally I feel like I have matured, emotionally I have grown and I am working on my spirituality. My self image is what I struggle with. I don't think of myself and hate myself,f no, no, that is not where I am going with this. My self image, still needs work. So this is when SHE comes in to play. 

I have this image of what a "real" woman should be. She is sexy, she's voluptuous and curvy, she is confident, funny and when she walks in a room, everyone stops and stares. SHE exists, SHE is out there and it is just my luck, I work with SHE. 

SHE comes to work in 6 inch heels, her clothes fit every curve perfectly, she wears fake eyelashes, make up, and her hair pulled back in to a long ponytail. SHE walks in a room and everyone looks, SHE speaks and everyone listens, SHE does and everyone follows. And when I am around her, I feel like I should be doing something different. I come to work in flats, my clothes aren't form fitting, I don't wear makeup and I wear glasses everyday. I walk in to a room and no one notices, I speak and I have to repeat myself, I do and everyone questions why. SHE is the bane of my existence.

The more I work with her the more I find myself trying to match up to her. I'll come to work in heels a couple of days, bring out the form fitting skirt, take off the glasses, pop in the contacts and put some mascara on my eyelashes. But when I do this, I feel awkward, I feel out of place. I have no problems doing this outside of work but SHE does this EVERYDAY. So why does SHE matter????

I have found that this is a common problem for girls/women. It may not be like my situation where it is a specific person but just may apply to women in general. Have you ever been somewhere and just sat back and watched the ladies around react to the other ladies around them? Have you ever seen an attractive female walk past a lady or group of ladies and instead of acknowledging her style, her confidence or even just her beauty, they begin to pick her apart? "What does she have on," one will begin to say and it is followed by, "Who does she think she is?" and the comments continue to spew out. I hate to say it but, they are insecure. We all are. Fortunately, I refuse to let my insecurities form in to negativity towards anyone else. I guess the down side of that is instead of me aiming towards someone else, I aim it towards myself. I am not harsh on myself but I find myself doubting what I bring to the table. 

I may not look like Jessica Rabbit but I hold my own in my little 16 year old self image. I used to think that by me working with SHE it was a joke from God and He was laughing at me. But now I do not see it that way, I see it as a test. A test that I so far have failed. Instead of me trying to emulate her, I should focus on my beauty, in and out. It isn't about how a female looks, what she wears, how she dressed or the size inch heels she wears but the confidence she exudes in her presence. Confidence comes from within and oozes through your pores. I need to regroup, I need to remember that yes SHE is beautiful, SHE is smart, SHE is funny, SHE is SHE and I am all the above and even more because I am ME. It isn't meant for me to be Jessica Rabbit, it isn't meant for me to be SHE, it is meant for me to be ME and only ME and that is what sets me apart from the rest. 

Til the next time,

Peaches Jones

The Beginning Of Something Good.... Maybe Even Great....

While talking to my mother earlier she gave me the idea of starting a blog. Well, indirectly gave me the idea. It started off with her talking about how she wanted to write a book and how she feels she has a lot to write about and she could help a lot of people. Then she proceeds to say, "I always thought you should write a book, you were always such a great writer." And as she continued to talk about the short stories I used to write as a child and the creativity I developed the older I got, the more and more I felt inspired. It has been a long time since my mother has actually given me a compliment and when she does, it comes from a profound place. I am not too sure if writing a book is what I was meant to do so I figured you have to start somewhere, right? So here I am. And this feels right. I know this is my first blog but as I am writing this I am getting a good feeling and I don't have a good feeling too often about anything. My goal is to bring you in to ME, my thoughts, my sentiments, my trials and tribulations and hopefully in the process grow in to the woman that I was meant to be. The older I get, the more I realize it isn't easy, this thing we call life. But what makes it beautiful and worthwhile are the lessons we learn and the growth we experience from it. So in the process I hope to turn from this little caterpillar just inching through life to the gorgeous butterfly that this world can't take their eyes off of.

Til the next time,

Peaches Jones