As I look back on my previous posts, from as long as 7 years ago, so much has changed and transpired. In all of this time, one thing that will never change is my love for writing. No matter what happens in my life, I will always circle back to being able to focus, sit and lay out my feelings, experiences, fears and dreams. It's always good to look back at how you felt in 2011, what you experienced in 2013 and how you left off in 2015. What a journey and now in 2018, I must say, life is finally shaping out to what I had envisioned it would be and didn't even know it.
2018 was probably one of my most challenging years to date but most rewarding when all is said and done. I ended my 2017 with accomplishing a goal I had felt was taken from me. A goal I originally started in 2003 but completed with the utmost respect and pride within myself in 2017. Then turned around to start my 2018 with my father passing after not speaking to him for over 5 years. Even though my accomplishment probably would have never been shared with him, it hurt to know that there was never a possibility to do so in the future. After my whole life of fighting with a man who didn't want to be a father, I now had to turn around and lay this man to rest. To take care of affairs I didn't know he had and to speak with people who I didn't even know knew I existed. It was all so surreal because I condition myself to believe that this man didn't love me or didn't want to be a part of my life but to hear from his ex-girlfriend that he talked about me and to hear her say that he was proud of me when I got the biggest job of my life. I was speechless and the flood gates of tears were opened. How? How did this man know? Why didn't this man reach out? So many questions that will never be answered and so many missed opportunities to have had a relationship with my dad. So as I struggled with figuring out how to get a burial for a man that lived in a different state, with no money and no direction, I couldn't shake the conflicting feelings of knowing this man actually "cared" about me. Although the expectation is for you to bury a parent but it doesn't take away the fact that when you do, no matter how close you may or may not have been during their life, it gives you a different perspective on life and adds a maturity to you that is different from any other experience but also takes a piece of you that you can never get back. With that I made an executive decision over my life and started therapy.
There goes that word, "therapy". So many people view it as something that no one should talk about but I've always been an advocate for therapy but either couldn't find the right therapist or didn't have the money to do so. This time, I made it a priority to do it. I had experienced too many battles, struggles, loses and pain which was apparent in my daily interactions. My shine, the luster, the natural happiness or optimism that I had always had was gone and had been for awhile. I didn't recognize myself. I wasn't happy with myself and I almost lost myself. I needed to find myself, I needed to work on myself, I needed to be better. After a couple of months of working through past trauma, the passing of my father, failed relationships, the main one with my mother and retraining my thought process, I was starting to feel a slight breakthrough. My therapist was a breath of fresh air that I didn't realize I needed and I found myself hearing her voice or taking her techniques and using them when needed. Then it all started happening, one blessing after another. Even though I was still going through trials, my blessings outweighed my tribulations.
I bought a condo, on my own, I completed a year in my dream job and received overwhelming amount of support after basically being pushed in to applying for a promotion. All of these things, I prayed on, I spoke to God about, I wrote down and slowly worked towards. I read back to one of my blogs describing a coworker who I thought exuded everything a woman should and I was convinced I didn't but now She, truly is ME. In receiving my promotion, so many people opened up, showed support and I saw in me what I haven't seen in years. Every day I walk in to work I am still taken back because for so long I felt inadequate, I felt low and not worthy but I walk in there and as the days go bye, I am back to believing that I am. I am that woman that people want to follow, that people want to listen to and stop what they are doing to talk to me. I am that woman that fills out the dress and can get all glitzed up and I turn heads. I finally see that I am She and She is ME.
When I look back on my writings and not being where I want to, wondering when my time is and looking at everyone else and wondering where is mine, I no longer do it. Yes, there are some people that have more than me, there are people who are doing things I wish I could do but I no longer feel inadequate or envious because my time is now. I walk in to my own house, I go to a job that I love and work with the most amazing people, I have finally built a support system that is comprised of strong, smart, funny and beautiful women, I have cut out the people who created discourse and my outlook continues to get better and better. I slowly see myself turning in to the butterfly I have desired to be. I have been in my cocoon, my body was breaking down and I was painfully going through the transition. I know I am not complete, I don't believe anyone ever becomes complete because you can always improve but I damn sure am not where I was in 2011 nor 2015. 2018 made it clear that I am worthy, I am wonderfully made and above all else, God has a plan and I just have to trust Him.
I still have a long ways to go, I still get sad and down and sometimes it is too much to be "happy" but I can finally talk myself out of it and it works. I can sit on my couch and enjoy my peace and solitude and get up and go to work and immerse myself in people who do amazing work. I can also make a phone call and set up a date with a friend or a group or even just get in my car and take myself out and be ok. Maybe this is just a moment right now or maybe this is genuine, whatever it is, I know I have blossomed. I realize my accomplishments and I am finally giving myself a pat on the back, the shout out, I can do the praise dance and not feel ashamed or hold back. There are days I cry in the car because I have done some amazing things and I am truly grateful. I know every day I have to work at this and I am thankful for the ones who have gotten me here, my therapist, my best friend, my cousin and the people who have believed in me and pushed me.
I am a firm believer that this is just the beginning and things will only get better. I pray for more, I pray for true happiness, love, stability, healthy, travel, my husband and everything else in between. God has blessed me and in reading my last blogs, I learned this: life does not keep you down, you have to take your own happiness in to your own hands, no one owes you anything, no matter how much you love someone, they may never be able to love you the way you need to be loved and God will always turn your test in to a testimony.
Til Next Time (it will definitely be sooner than 3 years haha),
Peaches Jones
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