The Painful Transitions of Life and The Lessons We Learn.

As I look back on my previous posts, from as long as 7 years ago, so much has changed and transpired. In all of this time, one thing that will never change is my love for writing. No matter what happens in my life, I will always circle back to being able to focus, sit and lay out my feelings, experiences, fears and dreams. It's always good to look back at how you felt in 2011, what you experienced in 2013 and how you left off in 2015. What a journey and now in 2018, I must say, life is finally shaping out to what I had envisioned it would be and didn't even know it. 

2018 was probably one of my most challenging years to date but most rewarding when all is said and done. I ended my 2017 with accomplishing a goal I had felt was taken from me. A goal I originally started in 2003 but completed with the utmost respect and pride within myself in 2017. Then turned around to start my 2018 with my father passing after not speaking to him for over 5 years. Even though my accomplishment probably would have never been shared with him, it hurt to know that there was never a possibility to do so in the future. After my whole life of fighting with a man who didn't want to be a father, I now had to turn around and lay this man to rest. To take care of affairs I didn't know he had and to speak with people who I didn't even know knew I existed. It was all so surreal because I condition myself to believe that this man didn't love me or didn't want to be a part of my life but to hear from his ex-girlfriend that he talked about me and to hear her say that he was proud of me when I got the biggest job of my life. I was speechless and the flood gates of tears were opened. How? How did this man know? Why didn't this man reach out? So many questions that will never be answered and so many missed opportunities to have had a relationship with my dad. So as I struggled with figuring out how to get a burial for a man that lived in a different state, with no money and no direction, I couldn't shake the conflicting feelings of knowing this man actually "cared" about me. Although the expectation is for you to bury a parent but it doesn't take away the fact that when you do, no matter how close you may or may not have been during their life, it gives you a different perspective on life and adds a maturity to you that is different from any other experience but also takes a piece of you that you can never get back. With that I made an executive decision over my life and started therapy. 

There goes that word, "therapy". So many people view it as something that no one should talk about but I've always been an advocate for therapy but either couldn't find the right therapist or didn't have the money to do so. This time, I made it a priority to do it. I had experienced too many battles, struggles, loses and pain which was apparent in my daily interactions. My shine, the luster, the natural happiness or optimism that I had always had was gone and had been for awhile. I didn't recognize myself. I wasn't happy with myself and I almost lost myself. I needed to find myself, I needed to work on myself, I needed to be better. After a couple of months of working through past trauma, the passing of my father, failed relationships, the main one with my mother and retraining my thought process, I was starting to feel a slight breakthrough. My therapist was a breath of fresh air that I didn't realize I needed and I found myself hearing her voice or taking her techniques and using them when needed. Then it all started happening, one blessing after another. Even though I was still going through trials, my blessings outweighed my tribulations.

I bought a condo, on my own, I completed a year in my dream job and received overwhelming amount of support after basically being pushed in to applying for a promotion. All of these things, I prayed on, I spoke to God about, I wrote down and slowly worked towards. I read back to one of my blogs describing a coworker who I thought exuded everything a woman should and I was convinced I didn't but now She, truly is ME. In receiving my promotion, so many people opened up, showed support and I saw in me what I haven't seen in years. Every day I walk in to work I am still taken back because for so long I felt inadequate, I felt low and not worthy but I walk in there and as the days go bye, I am back to believing that I am. I am that woman that people want to follow, that people want to listen to and stop what they are doing to talk to me. I am that woman that fills out the dress and can get all glitzed up and I turn heads. I finally see that I am She and She is ME. 

When I look back on my writings and not being where I want to, wondering when my time is and looking at everyone else and wondering where is mine, I no longer do it. Yes, there are some people that have more than me, there are people who are doing things I wish I could do but I no longer feel inadequate or envious because my time is now. I walk in to my own house, I go to a job that I love and work with the most amazing people, I have finally built a support system that is comprised of strong, smart, funny and beautiful women, I have cut out the people who created discourse and my outlook continues to get better and better. I slowly see myself turning in to the butterfly I have desired to be. I have been in my cocoon, my body was breaking down and I was painfully going through the transition. I know I am not complete, I don't believe anyone ever becomes complete because you can always improve but I damn sure am not where I was in 2011 nor 2015. 2018 made it clear that I am worthy, I am wonderfully made and above all else, God has a plan and I just have to trust Him. 

I still have a long ways to go, I still get sad and down and sometimes it is too much to be "happy" but I can finally talk myself out of it and it works. I can sit on my couch and enjoy my peace and solitude and get up and go to work and immerse myself in people who do amazing work. I can also make a phone call and set up a date with a friend or a group or even just get in my car and take myself out and be ok. Maybe this is just a moment right now or maybe this is genuine, whatever it is, I know I have blossomed. I realize my accomplishments and I am finally giving myself a pat on the back, the shout out, I can do the praise dance and not feel ashamed or hold back. There are days I cry in the car because I have done some amazing things and I am truly grateful. I know every day I have to work at this and I am thankful for the ones who have gotten me here, my therapist, my best friend, my cousin and the people who have believed in me and pushed me. 

I am a firm believer that this is just the beginning and things will only get better. I pray for more, I pray for true happiness, love, stability, healthy, travel, my husband and everything else in between. God has blessed me and in reading my last blogs, I learned this: life does not keep you down, you have to take your own happiness in to your own hands, no one owes you anything, no matter how much you love someone, they may never be able to love you the way you need to be loved and God will always turn your test in to a testimony.

Til Next Time (it will definitely be sooner than 3 years haha),

Peaches Jones 

Patience is a Virtue.... But When Is It My Turn?

I have always been told that "patience is a virtue". Something that I have tried to work on but I have never had. I was also told that the older I got the more I would learn patience. Well, I have gotten older and I have noticed, I still don't have any patience. What I have noticed is that the older I get the harder it is for me to accept the transition periods and trust that I will get there or get it. I think over time I become more and more aware of where I thought I'd be at this age, where everyone else is around me at this age and where I actually am. That's where the problem lies, the comparison to others to myself. Not sure where I let that creep in but I have never been one to compare myself to anyone. I have always been comfortable in my life, my choices and my walk in life so why is it now that I am letting what others are doing or not doing affect my walk? I can't understand it. I become more and more frustrated because I can't understand why I feel the need to compare my life to others because there is no reason to do so. That isn't how I have lived my life and I refuse to start now. I am a firm believer in that if you continue to compare yourself to others than you will never be happy. It never rang true until most recently. I think this is the most unhappy I have been in years and it is due to the fact that I continue to see others and believe that I should be where they are. What a complete misconception. I am right where I need to be. God has placed me in this very position and with the very people in my life for a reason. What reason? I guess that isn't for me to know now but I have to get my focus back and realize that I am still a work in progress and everything is working in my favor. I may not be where I want to be but I am truly working towards it. I have daily talks with my self to remind me that I am working towards my goals, that it will get better and God is working on me to be a better person so I can experience a better life. 

Although my daily reminders keep me focused every now and then that little nagging voice creeps up and says, "But when is my turn?!" So now I have to find a way to quiet that voice in order to keep my sanity because it all could be worse and I know it has been worse. It's all a work in progress, life is  a work in progress and as long as your are breathing,  you are working, progressing, I just need to learn to sit back and stay focused on me, everything else will fall in to place.  

Til Next Time, 

Peaches Jones

Me and Mr., Mr. Wrong.

She has done it again. Another song that speaks to my inner thoughts, experiences and secrets. Mary, Mary, Mary this time you have taken the cake. I first heard Mr. Wrong and instantly started singing with the chorus. After I stopped belting out the words at the top of my lungs, I took a second to look up the lyrics to fully understand why this song had made the hair on my arms stand on ends. The words.... Speak to a side that I dare not admit to. "Hung up off your good, you call and I run", and run I have. I have ran in to his arms, time and time again because he has put a hold on me. Stupid I know but when you are in the moment, you are lead to believe everything is alright. For years, all it took was a phone call, an empty promise and a kiss and I was puddy in his hands. "When he put that loving on me, I can't think of nothing that'll make me walk out" until the reality of what I had done set in. When everything was said and done, I would sit on my bed and cry for hours because I felt used, dirty and ashamed. Wondering why I continued to fall for his lies. But how could I blame him? If I could say something just as simple as, "I'm sorry" or "let's go to dinner" or "I miss you" and that would get me whatever I wanted, then WHY NOT?! My Mr. Wrong had figured out a system that has worked and has happily gotten everything he desired for years. Now, he no longer reaps the benefits of being my Mr. Wrong but every time I hear that song, it brings back memories. I can't lie, I miss my Mr. Wrong, for obvious reasons but also because despite just the physical, there was more of a connection. He just wasn't ready to give me what I deserved. Either, he wasn't ready or didn't want to. Every now and then Mr. Wrong contacts me and for a second, I think about going back. Well, maybe for a couple of minutes. But every time I think of the love I had and gave Mr. Wrong, I think of the pain and disappointment I continued to feel with him. Mr. Wrong will always be in my heart, "ain't no way that I'm moving on".... Sorry Mary, with that one, I just can't agree. But damn, I love my Mr. Wrong!

Til Next Time,
Peaches Jones

Humdrum Days and Lonely Nights

I wake up every morning the same way, to the sound of the alarm on my phone sounding off. Before it can go any longer than a minute, I am hitting the snooze button and turning over to try and catch an extra 15 minutes of "sleep". I fight with my alarm for about 30 minutes and finally, literally, roll out of bed. I take a deep breath as I walk to my bathroom, turn the light on and stare at my imprinted face. I shake my head, grab my tooth brush and proceed to brush my teeth and wash my face. Once I pat my face dry, I walk out of my room toward the kitchen. As I step foot on the kitchen floor, I look over at the window and it hits me. They're not there. As my day goes on, it is a constant reminder that the life I have had for 5 years has changed and no longer will be. 

My walk home from work is a mere blur because my mind is moving so fast and consumed with the thoughts of being home. The door can't open fast enough. Once I open the door, I walk in to my hallway to again, realize that I no longer am greeted by her fuzzy little face. No longer will she be happy to see me home. 

No one could ever image that someone so small and nonhuman could make my days so worthwhile. No one could ever image that she would fill my nights and kill my loneliness. I struggle everyday to bring back meaning to my mundane and humdrum life. Grateful I am, for all that I have and all that I have in store in the future but my heart is still heavy, my heart is still empty. 

All I can do is hold on to the memories of her charismatic personality and warm, little fuzzy body in hopes that it will keep me warm at night and make my days bright. 

Til next time, 

Peaches Jones

If I Could Talk To You.... This Is What I Would Say

As I lay my head on your chest, I can't help but feel that this is where I am supposed to be. I look up at you and you look down at me. You say, "What?" and I say, "Nothing" and turn my head. You gently kiss my forehead. 6 months have passed since you have laid in my bed and it feels like there hasn't been any time lost. I tread lightly to your, "I want things to go back to normal". I don't know what to do. I am scared to run you away again but I can't help but be myself. I will be honest, I have fallen for you. With you, everything is so genuine, so light and so free. You give me all that I am missing and wanting until you leave and everything seems like it never happened. You go about your day as if I don't exist and I spend all day thinking about you. We were never together, that I know but I can't help but think what our future would be like. I see you with your "kids" and my mind races to the thought of how such a wonderful father you would be. I see the time you spend with your family and my thoughts are consumed with how our family would be and the traditions we would start together. I never knew how much I wanted kids and a family until I met you.

I don't know what more I can say.... Now, my favorite thing to do is to be around you. No matter what is going on or what we may be doing, I just like to be in your presence. I don't know how this happened or why this happened because I am back to missing you again. We no longer talk and I am back to being a memory of what you used to do.

I don't know why we met. I don't know why I felt the connection I did. I don't know why we just couldn't want the same things or why I just can't get over you. The more time passes, the harder it is for me. The more I wish I could just have back the moments that made me feel like it all made sense. Can we just rewind, back up the hands of time and go back to where you and I were, you and I?

Til the next time,

Peaches Jones

Russian Roulette.... To Play or Not To Play.....

"And you can see my heart beating
You can see it through my chest.
Said I'm terrified but I'm not leaving
I know that I must pass this test... 

So, just pull the trigger" BOOM!

My heart, blown to pieces. Love lost and time wasted, 5 words that described almost all of my relationships, flings, and/or infatuations. So the end result has gotten me to the point where when I meet a new person, I have to ask myself, "to play or not to play?" and a lot of times, I opt out. 


I am a firm believer in love and romance, so my optimism is secretly hidden behind this wall that I have placed up. A wall that I have built, piece by piece which is comprised of my heartache and tears. Behind this wall is a dying garden. The grass is brown, the trees have no leaves and the weeds have taken over and in the middle of all this, is a blooming, pink rose. That is my optimism, that is my hope. I know one day I will meet my better half. Unfortunately, it is going to take a lot longer because I just don't want to "play". When I do play, I always end up staring at the barrel of of a smoking gun. I don't know how to "play", all I know how to do is put all my cards out on the table. Why shouldn't it? Apparently, that isn't the way to go about things. What you see is what you get, isn't that what it is supposed to be? Whatever the case may be, I will not change for anyone. So if that means I am going to have to continue to nurture this pretty little pink rose a mist this dying garden, I will. Until my wall comes down to let in some sunlight and rain to nurture my dying garden, I will continue to play.... Maybe this time, I won't have to pull the trigger....


Til the next time, 


Peaches Jones

Breaking The Cycle

Being single isn't easy and the older I get the more I realize how hard it is. For most people, it is the best time of their life. For me, it is the hardest. I have never been the girl who was validated by how many guys I could talk to  or how much attention I got. What I looked for was "the one," which meant I just wanted that one person I could do everything with. Talk to, spend time with, confide in and ultimately be with, that not only was the wrong approach but caused more heartache than anything else.

In my search for "the one" every situation started the same. I met someone, I was attracted to that person, we hung out a couple of times, talked a lot and then I let my guard down. I started fantasizing about us being together and how wonderful our lives could be and how happy we were going to be and once I started doing that I stopped focusing on what was really at hand and all the signs he was giving me. He wasn't looking for anything, he sure wasn't looking for a relationship. He didn't want to be with me, he liked spending time with me but that was pretty much it. As I was looking for ways to make him happy, he was looking for ways to fit me in his schedule so I wouldn't complain about not seeing him. As I was planning holidays together, he already had plans that didn't include me. As I was sitting in the house waiting for his call, he was out meeting new girls to call. And as I was passing up advances from others because I was "talking" to someone, he was going out on dates. It always ended the same, he finally noticed I wanted more, I was fed up and we stopped talking. As he moved on, I was left feeling like I gave too much too soon and because of it, I was heartbroken.

So 2011 started the same way and as I reflected on my newly ended situation, I could not figure out what had gone wrong. I thought I had done everything right. As time went on and the clouds of my disintegrating "relationship" cleared and my heart had healed enough for me to think and reflect clearly, I still couldn't figure it out. In order to stop thinking about what I had done wrong, I tried to date. As I met people, I kept them at a distance. My guard was let down enough to get to know them and enough for them to scratch the surface of my being but nothing intimate and nothing too isolated. If I wasn't interested anymore, I just moved on. It seemed so simple, so easy. Even if I had spent a good amount of time with them, I still found that it was a lot easier to just walk away or stop talking to them. No attachments were formed, no emotional connection was made. Again, I sat back and reflected on what had changed and it hit me.... It was like a light bulb had gone off in my head, I wasn't having sex!

I have never been able to have sex and separate my emotions from that person or the situation. Once I have given a piece of me, I was hooked and the more we engaged, the deeper I fell for that person. It blinded me to what was really going on or what he was really saying. Now that I am not engaging in any intimate encounters, everything is so much clearer and uncomplicated. So, I challenged myself. If I could get this far, why not go the rest of the year? It made perfect sense, I can successfully date with no complications, misunderstandings, disappointments or heartbreaks and in the process weed out the ones who were just interested in me and possibly a serious relationship from the ones who were just interested in adding another notch to their belt.

In 2011, I am breaking the cycle. I am done giving myself to these boys who aren't even worth my time. They were getting my attention, my mind, my affection, my love and my body and for what? In the hopes of maybe being together? Now, I am not going around giving my love to everyone but the ones that I have, have not deserved it and were not even ready for what I was ready to give. They got a piece of me that they should have earned and worked for. I worth so much more and I am done selling myself short. I am breaking the cycle and it feels good. I am happy, I have peace of mind and I am looking forward to what other revelations 2011 will bring me.

Til the next time,

Peaches Jones