Breaking The Cycle

Being single isn't easy and the older I get the more I realize how hard it is. For most people, it is the best time of their life. For me, it is the hardest. I have never been the girl who was validated by how many guys I could talk to  or how much attention I got. What I looked for was "the one," which meant I just wanted that one person I could do everything with. Talk to, spend time with, confide in and ultimately be with, that not only was the wrong approach but caused more heartache than anything else.

In my search for "the one" every situation started the same. I met someone, I was attracted to that person, we hung out a couple of times, talked a lot and then I let my guard down. I started fantasizing about us being together and how wonderful our lives could be and how happy we were going to be and once I started doing that I stopped focusing on what was really at hand and all the signs he was giving me. He wasn't looking for anything, he sure wasn't looking for a relationship. He didn't want to be with me, he liked spending time with me but that was pretty much it. As I was looking for ways to make him happy, he was looking for ways to fit me in his schedule so I wouldn't complain about not seeing him. As I was planning holidays together, he already had plans that didn't include me. As I was sitting in the house waiting for his call, he was out meeting new girls to call. And as I was passing up advances from others because I was "talking" to someone, he was going out on dates. It always ended the same, he finally noticed I wanted more, I was fed up and we stopped talking. As he moved on, I was left feeling like I gave too much too soon and because of it, I was heartbroken.

So 2011 started the same way and as I reflected on my newly ended situation, I could not figure out what had gone wrong. I thought I had done everything right. As time went on and the clouds of my disintegrating "relationship" cleared and my heart had healed enough for me to think and reflect clearly, I still couldn't figure it out. In order to stop thinking about what I had done wrong, I tried to date. As I met people, I kept them at a distance. My guard was let down enough to get to know them and enough for them to scratch the surface of my being but nothing intimate and nothing too isolated. If I wasn't interested anymore, I just moved on. It seemed so simple, so easy. Even if I had spent a good amount of time with them, I still found that it was a lot easier to just walk away or stop talking to them. No attachments were formed, no emotional connection was made. Again, I sat back and reflected on what had changed and it hit me.... It was like a light bulb had gone off in my head, I wasn't having sex!

I have never been able to have sex and separate my emotions from that person or the situation. Once I have given a piece of me, I was hooked and the more we engaged, the deeper I fell for that person. It blinded me to what was really going on or what he was really saying. Now that I am not engaging in any intimate encounters, everything is so much clearer and uncomplicated. So, I challenged myself. If I could get this far, why not go the rest of the year? It made perfect sense, I can successfully date with no complications, misunderstandings, disappointments or heartbreaks and in the process weed out the ones who were just interested in me and possibly a serious relationship from the ones who were just interested in adding another notch to their belt.

In 2011, I am breaking the cycle. I am done giving myself to these boys who aren't even worth my time. They were getting my attention, my mind, my affection, my love and my body and for what? In the hopes of maybe being together? Now, I am not going around giving my love to everyone but the ones that I have, have not deserved it and were not even ready for what I was ready to give. They got a piece of me that they should have earned and worked for. I worth so much more and I am done selling myself short. I am breaking the cycle and it feels good. I am happy, I have peace of mind and I am looking forward to what other revelations 2011 will bring me.

Til the next time,

Peaches Jones